Ebony Mccrary - Naturally Beautiful

Anthony Hamilton - Magnolia's Room - Music Video

Anthony Hamilton-Why

War of emotions ...

Our relationship has always been a power struggle, a war of emotions; wanting the other person to feel a certain way, while struggling to keep your emotions in check. Usually the person who leaves unscarred is the one who cares less. The moment I admit that I miss you, that I miss the feel of your lips on mine, you’ve already won. You wear this condescending smile of a man who has had his ego stroked one too many times. I make these floral confessions, telling of the number of times I have played connect-the–dots with the cluster of moles on your cheek, or tell you how much I envy her and still think it should have been me. It should have been me that you’ve made an honest woman out of.It should have been me that you whisked away to your cottage near the sea.

Although, truly if I must admit, when you were, your love was overbearing, stifling even. Too demanding. You were too needy and I was emotionally incapable of being what you needed. I couldn’t contain within me the things you sought, even if I tried. All this and more I couldn’t possibly confess. When you asked if the news terribly upset me, I couldn’t give you that upper hand. So yet again what seemed like a lovely conversation between friends, who has had way too much history together, ends in a terrible spat. Knowing that I’ve already lost, without saying a word, I dredge up past emotions, past grievances and stolen slices of time, and as if creating an air of nostalgia could undo what is already done. It’s like struggling to hold onto something, anything, so I wouldn’t fall but as it is I’m only grasping air, it’s just that I get greedy sometimes.

 It’s pathetic….

Feist - 1234

i saw this girl on Sesame Street and thought ide check her out...i really like her sound..

I Do Adore - Mindy Gledhill

awww i love her...this kind of music is real popular these days, from Lenka to Regina Spectre even Priscilla Ahn...it just makes me feel all bubbly inside....like someone emptied a can of soda inside me and shook me vigorously...lol

Crazy Love by Mindy Gledhill Lyric Video

Just some thoughts....

I could never understand how two people could be so intimately and ridiculously in love and then a couple years later or even less , they loathe each other. I am old enough to understand that some folks can and do grow apart but, here's this woman who you love to death. You did everything to get her attention and even more for her affection and now as the years run on you cant even stand to look at her. The loving affection and pillowy words all fade and is replaced by something ugly and unfathomable. I wonder if this man ever thought he would be in this position. I know no one is perfect, that in fact is an understatement, however even with this knowledge, dont you think this requires more work and effort on our part to make any and every relationship we are a part of successful? 

This being the end result of any long term relationship or my marriage , is the thing that scares me speechless. And it takes quite a lot to get me speechless. It almost glues me to the spot I'm in right now in my life. Makes me so fearful that they might have to drag me down the aisle kicking and screaming. To know that this man that i want to spend the rest of my life on this earth with,could possibly grow apart so much or that i have the ability to dislike this man tremendously. This man, a part of my life, possibly will be the father of my children. Everyone makes mistakes, surely, however i have seen relationships whose light just dims along the years. They grow apart, they lose interest, they just stop trying. Somewhere along this time, someone or both started caring less. This i believe is when everything starts going downhill, when everything dims and dies. That thing falls of a shelf and everyone around, who is willing to listen, hears the crash. 

Note well, I'm not disregarding the notion that life throws some curve balls, and sticks you in some distasteful and disgusting situations, but all this does is highlight and reveal to you the stuff your relationship is made of.Not forgetting that this is my opinion, based on my limited experience, but ever watchful eyes. Let me reiterate that we as humans are imperfect and sometimes mildly callous, a little oblivious at times and completely clueless at others, but putting all this aside we should establish all these things we dim insignificant before the relationship gets serious.  

Is it that it suddenly hits you that this is not the person for you ? That this person has changed, fine i can comprehend that, but if this is the same person as before you guys tied the knot, then i think you need to re-evaluate yourself and your expectations. Somewhere,sometime, something went wrong.I dunno what, but it did. When and if you guys could shed some light on this, i dunno due to experience, because no one is snooping around anyone else's relationship with a dang flashlight, but if you can i would love to hear your contribution. 

Thats all that was on my mind, took me an entire day to compose, because i had to backspace alot,( my fingers were falling and twisting over each other in haste, and some of the stuff i typed in my fury and haste was a bit controversial)but here it is! 

BYE KISSES!

Short story....My very first, i think it was a success...

  Sometimes I wonder what my life would be like if my thighs didn’t rub together. If I couldn’t feel my breasts against my diaphragm, if my nails were not so brittle and didn’t break so easily. There are times I wonder what kind of world it would be if my shoes didn’t wear out on the sides and what would be going on if my feet faced forward as I walked, and not toward each other.

  Oh and I can only dream of the possibilities if my hair behaved as it should. If it would not shrink just when I want it big and frizzy.

   It’s a love/hate relationship really, when everything is just not acting right. When I wish I could peel the layers off my body just like an onion, or break some of this “ugly” down like some Lego blocks.

  Now him, he loves everything about me. He loves how I tilt my head to the right sometimes when I’m in deep thought, or how I hang onto his every word when he’s talking about his day. He loves my hair; teasing the bees hived in my afro. He does not want to change me and he could care less about my concerns about my body. He does not want to change me, for he knows it is with these flabby arms I embrace him and with this overworked heart that I love him.

I can firmly say he loves these things about me because like a gem he hides me and keeps me hidden in the cleft of his love, never to see the light of dawn. Always to know where I am and what I am doing. Always to be near me so that he could stare at my face, and partake of my lips.

Now he, his greatest fear is that one day I will find something better and move on. Leaving him all alone and denying him the pleasure of my smiles, my hugs and my company.

This morning I awoke with my body tissued with fear, nerved and blooded with anxiety and boned with worry, all held together by my delicate soft skin. I could not shake this feeling; I could almost taste the fear, a raw and heady brew on my tongue. He called me up saying he has a wonderful surprise for me, how he wants to treat me and make me feel beautiful, because he knows I’ve had a long week.

 It was later I understood my intuition was wrapped in confirmation. The very same skin he loves to touch and kiss, he took a knife to. He tore my throat through and through with a small, cheap pocket knife and left my beautiful, bountiful body buried beneath fallen trees and withered leaves on the beach. Driven by the slap in the face of my late arrival, and his fears grabbing his hand and whisking him away.

As the sky’s orange tint hemorrhaged beneath translucent skin, the hand of the divine surgeon made the primary incision spilling forth crimson hue into the sea; a light saddening red stretching and staining, even to the sand. To my limp body beneath a mass of foliage. Through a slit in the leaves above me, my cold lifeless eyes, once beautiful and adored in its honey glory, stares, as darkness evades and the horizon’s flat line brings the death of day.

Thoughts

I attended a funeral this week, and the eulogy, as all eulogies read like poetry, bringing a nostalgic feeling, and carryin all the sentimentality and sob stories enough to make u wonder; what will my eulogy read? Naturally i got to thinking, wondering about my funeral and wha will be said about me. As humans we all would like to leave behind a legacy, even though sometimes we pretend that we dont really care and decide to live as hermits, we all want atleast a handful of people at our funerals who wont be elated and jumping around now that finally youre dead. Musing as i was doing also led me to thinking what would my last words be? If there was to be a publishing of last words or last quotes of folks we know, what would ,mine be?
Would i utter something poetic and profound? Or would i, with my last breath say how much i love the world and my husband and all i ever wanted was world peace...it probably wont be as dramatic. Also if you guys read any of my previous blogs, you would know i would probably be satified if i got time to get anything out, cuz i would want my death to be quick and painless, that i never see it coming.
Being absorbed in thought, i began to get worried, that there will be nothing at all left behind, that my loved ones and my husband can firmly say, 'This was Jens, she loved this thing". Ive never really done anything long enough to absolutely love it and devote my time completely to it....now if it was a person then thats a completely different thing. They would say, "This is Jens husband, she loved him". I had nothing of my own, no book spilling with my thoughts and quotes, reason being, because i never had any privacy, especially when i started dating my fiancee. He wanted to know everything, he wanted to be everywhere, so i never got the opportunity to write anything down. I figure whatever ive written, whatever i drew is supposed to be subjective, meaning different things to different people, i was never one to explain anything, and he would always want an explanation.The truth is i just never thought i had anything meaningful to say so i never fought for the rights to my privacy.
Sitting there in that pew at that funeral, i made a decision to throw myself onto and into anything i produce. To open my soul and smear it on every canvas and every paper and onto every keyboard( and hard drive) lol (and every blog). Nothing and no one would stop me. The whole idea of life is to live it, archaeologists scour the earth to find the remains of lost tribes and civilizations and this is their life. What am i leaving for my grandchildren, my great- grandchildren, all those who are coming up after me?What memory will they have of this person they never met? I want to leave something to share with the world, even if the world consists of that little heart i touch who is going through something similar to what my life brought. Even if the world consists of this man that learns what not to do from all my ranting and frustration with the species of men in this world.
I want to make a difference. The funny thing is the first steps are literally at my fingertips, all i have to do is continue blogging, among other things ofcourse, but this works too. All my musings actually urged me to post this so im starting somewhere. lol
BYE!!!! Kisses...

My yarn braids...

So i finally put in my yarn braids, and i must say i love it, much easier to manage than the yaki and any other hair extension that ive worn. Since its a fabric, its alot more forgiving on my hair, when its wet it expands just like my hair. I can already see significant growth in my roots, when i condition my scalp the yarn soaks up the conditioner and even the leave-in  penetrates my hair follicles so nicely. I can feel the difference. I honestly love the look, its easy to manage and easier to style. It has the appearance of dreads without the commitment ...lol. I love it especially because its a completely different look for me. If you have ever wondered how you would rock dreads hen try some yarn braids. At first it was a bit tight and they appear to be simple braids, however after they have been in there for a while and they've gotten wet, and theres a bit of growth at your roots they begin to have a striking resemblance to locs. From afar and even upclose some individuals actually believe that i have dreads. Its so funny their reactions.

Just starting the hairdo...i did some in the back but a friend did the front because it was too much of a weird angle for me to do it. I learnt how to braid that week because i really wanted to do this protective style and i could not wait any longer. 

Didnt quite finish but i managed to go out with a half done hairstyle..lol It didnt look half- bad...lmao

 

Last minute touch ups and i was done. I burnt the ends to keep them from unraveling and i had to have my signature part on the left..lol

I wore it like this for a few days beacause the braids were still a bit painful to do much else with them.

In all honesty it was really nice to feel hair at the back of my neck, and twists that i can see without having to pull them down in front my eyes. I didnt miss the shrinkage or the combing every morning. But dont get me wrong they have their disadvantages, like walking thru the sweltering heat with these things on your neck and back. I was stifling!

Also when i did wash my hair i had to retwist some, which were pretty easy, once i got them to dry, which takes forever if you dont have a hair dryer.

I missed my fast air drying hair...lol

When they finally loosened up i wore different hairstyles. I had to scour youtube to get some hairstyles and i got some really cool ones from some of my youtube friends. I created some of my own and then when i was late on mornings and too tired at nights i just wore them up....

...just like this. I got some of my scarves that ive neglected over the years and wore them around my braids. I loved this look just because it was quick and easy and you could co ordinate with your outfit and your scarf. I went crazy shopping for scarves all over the city...(window shopping that is)trying to get some pretty scarves for my head. I also loved this look because it look like i had locs, which gets me even now. Its funny how much the thought tickles me, but im still very sceptical. Im not going to lac my hair, but i could wear these different protective styles and enjoy my hair journey to the fullest.

Its been a wonderful journey and now my aim is to achieve maximum growth and to retain as much moisture in my hair for the growing to take effect. I love the result so far, and im learning to have the patience it takes for happy healthy hair.

BYE!!!!.... KISSES..

All the glory belongs to you oh God.....

Truly all the glory belongs to him. He is the only one who is there all the time, everyday. He deserves the highest and ultimate praise. My body cannot contain the praise to his awesome name anymore and i refuse to let the rocks cry out to him . You might be thinking that this is really spontaneous and out of the blue considering that the name and boastings of God havent been printed in any of my previous blogs, and if youre wondering if ive just stumbled upon him , then the answer is no... I havent just met this man, he has continuously been in my mind, bombarding my thoughts, my dreams and my heart. To contain him, and to stop him from dripping from my fingertips to the keyboard was the hardest and most disobedient thing i have ever done. Its almost unforgiveable, but i realise that now. My fingers are being knotted even as we speak simply because this is so long overdue and im tripping over them, making all kinds of typos cus i cant contain it anymore. The need to boast of his goodness, of his awesomeness, his loving kindness, his awesome power to love the lost and to captivate our hearts, even his ability to love those who dont wanna be loved or dont feel they are worthy. My God.....

Last night i was hit with the revelation that ive been telling him how i surrender completely, that i give it all to him , that i give him everything. I tell him constantly that i will make him the first in my life. I will give him all power, and i have said these things many times, and i meant it honestly at those times; i meant it with every fibre of my being and then hard times come and what i think is a simple decision, turns into something life changing and i never included him. I never sought his face, i never bother to ask him what my next move should be and i get caught up in something horrible that i could have just avoided, had i just sought him. Had i just allowed him to be God in my life, then all the horrible things i couldnt get through would not have been so horrible because he would have been right there with me.

To me, this is the greatest lesson that my father has ever taught me. I learnt that i cant follow him in my own strength, that i need his Holy Spirit, for its not by might nor by power but simply by his Spirit. My appa taught me that. He deposited this in my spirit in his own sweet way. And though i may have known this before, we as humans tend to hear everything and if its said again , it sounds familiar to our ears, however we do not practice it.This is where i fall short as well, i must confess. I need and must have his Spirit to yeild to him, i cannot be holy and walk in his integrity without him. I cannot do it on my own ,with my own will and strength. I cannot build or advance his kingdom and his church in my own strength and with my own understanding for if i do , then i will simply be building cities of Babel.

Now another aspect of my lesson is the understanding that if i am to surrender completely to him and his will and whims, then i cant take my stuff back. I cant take my luggage up again when things are going great. When it seems that i can walk on my own and im strengthened enough. I need to surrender completely and have him at the centre of my life.Let him be my strength. Consulting him on all things and seeking him at all times. Until my will becomes his and my thoughts become his. Until i am his and he is mine, for in theory i have always been his but in practicality ,i have never been further from him. Father i ask for forgiveness even now.....

Continue to teach me appa , and pour your wisdom into me , sweet Holy Spirit continue to reveal the secret things of God to my heart until theres no more room for me. Until theres no more room for all things trivial and unnecessary. Teach me lord....Jesus, sweet brother i know you are interceding on my behalf continuously , kam saham nida...Sarangae.....

Bye....KISSES...