My fears.....

I have this consuming fear of doctors. Whenever im required to see one, i get sweaty and shaky , all nervous and anxious. Its really ridiculous if you ask me, but i just cant stop. Its extremely difficult and i just cant shake this feeling of impending doom whenever i have to see the doctor. The thing is , i dont get ill that often and if i do, its either the common cold, or normal female monthly issues. When i do go to the doctor its  because i cant stand the pain im going through and also if i dont know whats the cause of this pain. Normally, when i do get diagnosed, its always something extreme; i used to think i was the most unlucky woman on this planet. You know how you go through life hearing all those weird diseases on the telly and meeting friends and folks you know, with all these sicknesses and you think, "Oh this will never happen to me", then BAM!!
You get it!
Just like that.
Like something was punishing you for being naive..lol
I mean you dont think that way intentionally, it just kinda happens, because it is so difficult to see yourself in a situation such as that.
Well i learnt from those mistakes fast, and now its the complete opposite. Ive become this full blown hypochondriac, always thinking i have this chronic disease, at the slightest ache or pain. I tell you its not fun, its tiring. I still fear going to see the doctor, for he just might confirm that i actually do have this weird life ending sickness. Im pathetic i know.I think of every skin disease out there and the minute i have a sign or symptom I google that shit.LOL YOU could never be too careful with these things,i am always ready.
Being always prepared, you are wondering how could i possibly get sick right? Well when you figure that out let me know, because ive been tryin to figure it out myself. LOL
When they check my pressure its always very high, not because i have high blood pressure, no , simply because at the time, im a nervous wreck. When i check it at home its fine. No problems. When its time to pull out the equipment and im sitting in this cold sterile environment, with the smell of alchohol and other hospital-like chemicals frolicking around my nostrils, i just lose it.
Sigh....
Another fear i have, is of dying. I know everyone fears dying. The kind of fear im talking about is of dying painfully and slowly. Ive thought of this indepth.If i go, i want to go in my sleep or something like that. Me being completely unaware, quick and easy, at the snap of my fingers. I've imagined ways i could go, based on my daily routine, and the places i go throughout the day. I've thought of so much could write a book documenting thepossible ways i could die;suffocation, choking, getting hit by any vehicle(worse one being a truck), being poisoned by a broken air conditioning unit, i could be bleeding internally as we speak and be completely unaware. The possibilities are endless really.
I've studied my family history to the smallest detail. All the illnesses i know of, within my family, ive looked into them. Thought and weighed the possibility of me getting them or inheriting any. Luckily, its not a fear that grips me and dictates my every move. It does not rule my life.It does not own me. To describe it would be that it was somewhere in the back of my mind, very close to the place i keep the memory of old boyfriends and past relationships.
Lets look past the fact that I may be lying to myself and do let us continue with this post.
Another fear that i have and its not as scary as the others, is of my gaining weight. And im not talking about a few pounds here and there. Im talking about the possibility of putting on so much weight eventually that i am either going to be unable to wear heels, walk a short distance without huffing and puffing the place down, or be completely immobile. The thing is, and if youve read my previous posts, your girl loves to eat. Love is actually an understatement. I absolutely adore food. I wont say im greedy , but i absolutely love the idea of food. The taste, the smell, the appearance of a good dish. It makes me melt as much as a gorgeous bag or a beautiful blouse does. even more. I cant get enough. Now the surprising thing is that i dont like to cook very often. In fact i dont like cooking unless i really have to. And seeing that i dont have to , theres always take-out. lol
Honestly. So yes im petrified of becoming so obese, due to my overindulgence, and my complete love of food. A great night-in for me would be to cuddle up on the couch
watching the food channel. Just seeing them prepare certain dishes , just inspires me.........to eat. LOL
Im telling you guys all of this with the knowledge that i can do something about it, and i am, to some extent. Im doing something about this , so i know whilst reading this youre thinking, "Man this chick is just lazy and keeps making excuses". Well i know that im making excuses, its my blog!!! Dagnabbit!!
Im just letting you guys in on a few secrets of mine.So just read and empathize. Please and thanks....hee hee BYE! Kisses......

BBQ in a nutshell......

So ive eaten and drank, ive made merry,ive done it all and now this day is over. We had a barbecue today to celebrate my sisters 40 th  b-day. She considered this a milestone and wanted to celebrate it as such. In grand style! It was amazing. A plethora of meats and drinks, i am stuffed! Honestly! My hub-a-dub was on the grill and we had choice meats, ribs the size of my arm, chicken parts that make you think you think u were eating a bald eagle. lol. It was quite the celebration. We spared no expenses and i felt as though money was not an option at all. I t was quite luxurious. Wen it came to the speech and toasting part, it got kinda mushy. I didnt trust my voice and the cracking lying underneath. Everyone was inciting me to speech , and alas i managed. I got out as much as i could have with dry eyes. It was a feat! There was alot more that couldve been said however i   hope my actions speak volumes. (Getting this place party ready was quite a task, but i enjoyed it completely simply because we accomplished it together.) All in all this was a most memorable occasion and i am happy that i was a part of it. As i type im surrounded by noise and people from all walks of life, all contained in a tiny living room , they all have such distinct personalities , traits and tastes. I am also enveloped by all the love that i never thought i could possibly live to witness. There exists so much love in this room and in this family its overwhelming and heart-tugging. Anyways im going to mingle now and be apart of this mush fest , i just thought i should share this moment with all of you wonderful people. 

BYE!! Kisses.....