Just some thoughts....

I could never understand how two people could be so intimately and ridiculously in love and then a couple years later or even less , they loathe each other. I am old enough to understand that some folks can and do grow apart but, here's this woman who you love to death. You did everything to get her attention and even more for her affection and now as the years run on you cant even stand to look at her. The loving affection and pillowy words all fade and is replaced by something ugly and unfathomable. I wonder if this man ever thought he would be in this position. I know no one is perfect, that in fact is an understatement, however even with this knowledge, dont you think this requires more work and effort on our part to make any and every relationship we are a part of successful? 

This being the end result of any long term relationship or my marriage , is the thing that scares me speechless. And it takes quite a lot to get me speechless. It almost glues me to the spot I'm in right now in my life. Makes me so fearful that they might have to drag me down the aisle kicking and screaming. To know that this man that i want to spend the rest of my life on this earth with,could possibly grow apart so much or that i have the ability to dislike this man tremendously. This man, a part of my life, possibly will be the father of my children. Everyone makes mistakes, surely, however i have seen relationships whose light just dims along the years. They grow apart, they lose interest, they just stop trying. Somewhere along this time, someone or both started caring less. This i believe is when everything starts going downhill, when everything dims and dies. That thing falls of a shelf and everyone around, who is willing to listen, hears the crash. 

Note well, I'm not disregarding the notion that life throws some curve balls, and sticks you in some distasteful and disgusting situations, but all this does is highlight and reveal to you the stuff your relationship is made of.Not forgetting that this is my opinion, based on my limited experience, but ever watchful eyes. Let me reiterate that we as humans are imperfect and sometimes mildly callous, a little oblivious at times and completely clueless at others, but putting all this aside we should establish all these things we dim insignificant before the relationship gets serious.  

Is it that it suddenly hits you that this is not the person for you ? That this person has changed, fine i can comprehend that, but if this is the same person as before you guys tied the knot, then i think you need to re-evaluate yourself and your expectations. Somewhere,sometime, something went wrong.I dunno what, but it did. When and if you guys could shed some light on this, i dunno due to experience, because no one is snooping around anyone else's relationship with a dang flashlight, but if you can i would love to hear your contribution. 

Thats all that was on my mind, took me an entire day to compose, because i had to backspace alot,( my fingers were falling and twisting over each other in haste, and some of the stuff i typed in my fury and haste was a bit controversial)but here it is! 

BYE KISSES!

Short story....My very first, i think it was a success...

  Sometimes I wonder what my life would be like if my thighs didn’t rub together. If I couldn’t feel my breasts against my diaphragm, if my nails were not so brittle and didn’t break so easily. There are times I wonder what kind of world it would be if my shoes didn’t wear out on the sides and what would be going on if my feet faced forward as I walked, and not toward each other.

  Oh and I can only dream of the possibilities if my hair behaved as it should. If it would not shrink just when I want it big and frizzy.

   It’s a love/hate relationship really, when everything is just not acting right. When I wish I could peel the layers off my body just like an onion, or break some of this “ugly” down like some Lego blocks.

  Now him, he loves everything about me. He loves how I tilt my head to the right sometimes when I’m in deep thought, or how I hang onto his every word when he’s talking about his day. He loves my hair; teasing the bees hived in my afro. He does not want to change me and he could care less about my concerns about my body. He does not want to change me, for he knows it is with these flabby arms I embrace him and with this overworked heart that I love him.

I can firmly say he loves these things about me because like a gem he hides me and keeps me hidden in the cleft of his love, never to see the light of dawn. Always to know where I am and what I am doing. Always to be near me so that he could stare at my face, and partake of my lips.

Now he, his greatest fear is that one day I will find something better and move on. Leaving him all alone and denying him the pleasure of my smiles, my hugs and my company.

This morning I awoke with my body tissued with fear, nerved and blooded with anxiety and boned with worry, all held together by my delicate soft skin. I could not shake this feeling; I could almost taste the fear, a raw and heady brew on my tongue. He called me up saying he has a wonderful surprise for me, how he wants to treat me and make me feel beautiful, because he knows I’ve had a long week.

 It was later I understood my intuition was wrapped in confirmation. The very same skin he loves to touch and kiss, he took a knife to. He tore my throat through and through with a small, cheap pocket knife and left my beautiful, bountiful body buried beneath fallen trees and withered leaves on the beach. Driven by the slap in the face of my late arrival, and his fears grabbing his hand and whisking him away.

As the sky’s orange tint hemorrhaged beneath translucent skin, the hand of the divine surgeon made the primary incision spilling forth crimson hue into the sea; a light saddening red stretching and staining, even to the sand. To my limp body beneath a mass of foliage. Through a slit in the leaves above me, my cold lifeless eyes, once beautiful and adored in its honey glory, stares, as darkness evades and the horizon’s flat line brings the death of day.

Thoughts

I attended a funeral this week, and the eulogy, as all eulogies read like poetry, bringing a nostalgic feeling, and carryin all the sentimentality and sob stories enough to make u wonder; what will my eulogy read? Naturally i got to thinking, wondering about my funeral and wha will be said about me. As humans we all would like to leave behind a legacy, even though sometimes we pretend that we dont really care and decide to live as hermits, we all want atleast a handful of people at our funerals who wont be elated and jumping around now that finally youre dead. Musing as i was doing also led me to thinking what would my last words be? If there was to be a publishing of last words or last quotes of folks we know, what would ,mine be?
Would i utter something poetic and profound? Or would i, with my last breath say how much i love the world and my husband and all i ever wanted was world peace...it probably wont be as dramatic. Also if you guys read any of my previous blogs, you would know i would probably be satified if i got time to get anything out, cuz i would want my death to be quick and painless, that i never see it coming.
Being absorbed in thought, i began to get worried, that there will be nothing at all left behind, that my loved ones and my husband can firmly say, 'This was Jens, she loved this thing". Ive never really done anything long enough to absolutely love it and devote my time completely to it....now if it was a person then thats a completely different thing. They would say, "This is Jens husband, she loved him". I had nothing of my own, no book spilling with my thoughts and quotes, reason being, because i never had any privacy, especially when i started dating my fiancee. He wanted to know everything, he wanted to be everywhere, so i never got the opportunity to write anything down. I figure whatever ive written, whatever i drew is supposed to be subjective, meaning different things to different people, i was never one to explain anything, and he would always want an explanation.The truth is i just never thought i had anything meaningful to say so i never fought for the rights to my privacy.
Sitting there in that pew at that funeral, i made a decision to throw myself onto and into anything i produce. To open my soul and smear it on every canvas and every paper and onto every keyboard( and hard drive) lol (and every blog). Nothing and no one would stop me. The whole idea of life is to live it, archaeologists scour the earth to find the remains of lost tribes and civilizations and this is their life. What am i leaving for my grandchildren, my great- grandchildren, all those who are coming up after me?What memory will they have of this person they never met? I want to leave something to share with the world, even if the world consists of that little heart i touch who is going through something similar to what my life brought. Even if the world consists of this man that learns what not to do from all my ranting and frustration with the species of men in this world.
I want to make a difference. The funny thing is the first steps are literally at my fingertips, all i have to do is continue blogging, among other things ofcourse, but this works too. All my musings actually urged me to post this so im starting somewhere. lol
BYE!!!! Kisses...