Thoughts

I attended a funeral this week, and the eulogy, as all eulogies read like poetry, bringing a nostalgic feeling, and carryin all the sentimentality and sob stories enough to make u wonder; what will my eulogy read? Naturally i got to thinking, wondering about my funeral and wha will be said about me. As humans we all would like to leave behind a legacy, even though sometimes we pretend that we dont really care and decide to live as hermits, we all want atleast a handful of people at our funerals who wont be elated and jumping around now that finally youre dead. Musing as i was doing also led me to thinking what would my last words be? If there was to be a publishing of last words or last quotes of folks we know, what would ,mine be?
Would i utter something poetic and profound? Or would i, with my last breath say how much i love the world and my husband and all i ever wanted was world peace...it probably wont be as dramatic. Also if you guys read any of my previous blogs, you would know i would probably be satified if i got time to get anything out, cuz i would want my death to be quick and painless, that i never see it coming.
Being absorbed in thought, i began to get worried, that there will be nothing at all left behind, that my loved ones and my husband can firmly say, 'This was Jens, she loved this thing". Ive never really done anything long enough to absolutely love it and devote my time completely to it....now if it was a person then thats a completely different thing. They would say, "This is Jens husband, she loved him". I had nothing of my own, no book spilling with my thoughts and quotes, reason being, because i never had any privacy, especially when i started dating my fiancee. He wanted to know everything, he wanted to be everywhere, so i never got the opportunity to write anything down. I figure whatever ive written, whatever i drew is supposed to be subjective, meaning different things to different people, i was never one to explain anything, and he would always want an explanation.The truth is i just never thought i had anything meaningful to say so i never fought for the rights to my privacy.
Sitting there in that pew at that funeral, i made a decision to throw myself onto and into anything i produce. To open my soul and smear it on every canvas and every paper and onto every keyboard( and hard drive) lol (and every blog). Nothing and no one would stop me. The whole idea of life is to live it, archaeologists scour the earth to find the remains of lost tribes and civilizations and this is their life. What am i leaving for my grandchildren, my great- grandchildren, all those who are coming up after me?What memory will they have of this person they never met? I want to leave something to share with the world, even if the world consists of that little heart i touch who is going through something similar to what my life brought. Even if the world consists of this man that learns what not to do from all my ranting and frustration with the species of men in this world.
I want to make a difference. The funny thing is the first steps are literally at my fingertips, all i have to do is continue blogging, among other things ofcourse, but this works too. All my musings actually urged me to post this so im starting somewhere. lol
BYE!!!! Kisses...